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Often, when couples whose sex life has gone off the boil consult me about making improvements, one of the first questions I ask is whether they vary the way they make love. Many of these couples have tied themselves to a single position for lovemaking, and it has simply become boring. The missionary position with the man on top and the woman underneath is most commonly used and, for some couples, never varied. (It is so-named because it was forcibly advocated by missionaries who took their faith to “heathen” or “uncivilized” peoples.) For many years the church tolerated this position and no other, since it was thought to be the one in which the woman would almost certainly be fertilized. This rigidly adhered-to tradition allowed the man always to adopt the dominant role during sexual intercourse and to experience most or all of the pleasure of sex.

But between consenting lovers, all coital positions are perfectly normal and legitimate, and everyone’s sex lives will certainly be enlivened by a little adventure and experimentation.

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A woman’s fear of ejaculate in the mouth will be minimized if partners agree beforehand on what is to be done. If ejaculation in the mouth is to be avoided, the man should signal and withdraw in time so that his partner can continue with manual stimulation. Fear of choking is easily dealt with by the woman controlling how much of the penis she takes into her mouth, or by encircling the base of the penis with her hand to hold back his thrusting.

Worry about body odours can be dispelled by daily bathing -afterwards the healthy odour of sexual arousal will prove pleasant and exciting. A woman should not try to disguise her natural smells or flavours with sprays or deodorants, which can prove intrusive, and anyway, most men find the acid taste of vaginal juices pleasant.

Never get so carried away during sex play that you bite the sex organs. Don’t blow into your lover’s genitals, as this can be dangerous, and never indulge in oral sex if you have a cold sore or genital infection. It is also a good idea not to indulge in oral sex with a casual partner whose sexual history is unknown to you. There is some evidence that the AIDS virus can be transmitted this way.

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Wearing lovely, lacy, fine lingerie is attractive to and exciting for women. Many like to retain an undergarment such as a slip, stockings, suspender belt, panties, bra or camisole during the early stages of foreplay. Many women also like their men occasionally to retain some of their garments during sex, though not their socks. A hint of nudity allows the imagination to run riot.

A lot of women prefer to have their partners undress them because it allows them to show off their bodies passively without being sexually overt. Other women may feel sufficiently confident to strip off in front of their partners. If done with artistry (something that may require a bit of enjoyable practice in front of a mirror), it will be highly erotic, mainly because the woman’s role is no longer passive. She is actively displaying herself in an attempt to arouse her partner, and he knows this.

Even after years of living together, undressing each other will be highly arousing; each partner should feel increasingly excited as one garment after another is removed.

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Conversation, too, whether at a casual encounter, an intimate dinner, or during the course of work, can be a huge sexual turn-on. Glances are often exchanged and conversations may include messages with a double meaning that test the interest of the other person.

Expressing ideas, motivations, goals and aims can bring two people closer together than can many other activities. And, where there are areas in common — similar interests, ambitions and plans — this is very thrilling to both partners. The exchange of thoughts and ideas along these lines between a couple who are sexually aware of one another is, in my opinion, one of the most pleasant ways of initiating a sexual relationship, and also it will solidify the relationship once it has begun.

Judging responses-By paying attention to body language and other signals, you should be able to see if you are having a positive effect on the other person. Encouraging responses include raised eyebrows, wide-open eyes and dilated pupils. A definite “come-on” signal is if you are looking into each other’s eyes for longer and longer periods, and if you are standing close as you do so. You can test this by moving slightly closer and seeing whether the other person draws away (negative) or not (positive). Watch the gestures the person makes; if he or she nods the head in enthusiastic agreement at what you are saying, or if he or she touches you to emphasize a point when talking to you, you are making progress!

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The vagina is a potential, rather than an actual space. It is a fibromuscular tube about 8 centimetres (3¼ inches) long, but its size is variable, and so capable of distortion that any normal vagina can accommodate any size of penis with ease. If penetration happens before expansion of the vagina in length and diameter has fully developed, a woman may experience initial difficulty in accommodating the erect penis. But vaginal expansion continues rapidly so that the

penis – regardless of its size – is accommodated within a few thrusts.

As excitement increases, the vagina normally overextends in circumference and also length. This elliptical vaginal expansion accounts for some loss of stimulation for the penis, and reduces vaginal sensation for the woman.

The greater vestibular glands and urethra-The greater vestibular glands, also called Bartholin’s glands, lie behind and slightly to the side of the vagina. The ducts of these glands open into the angle between the labia minora’ and the ring of the hymen and carry lubricating mucus to the vaginal opening and the vulva’s inner parts.

The urethra is embedded within the substance of the lower half of the front vaginal wall. Bruising of this wall can therefore result in inflammation of the urethra and an ascending infection of the bladder (cystitis). The middle third of the rear wall of the vagina is closely related to the rectum, and the muscles that form the pelvic floor, called the levatores, blend with the middle part of the sides of the vagina to form the most crucial support of the vaginal structure. Exciting a woman brings about visible changes in many different parts of the body. As she becomes sexually aroused, a woman’s breathing becomes more rapid, and her heart beats more quickly. Her lips become pink, the pupils of her eyes dilate and her nipples become erect and stiffen. As excitement climbs, her skin becomes pink and flushed, it begins to sweat and her breasts swell as they become engorged with blood.

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A significant number of women believe that most men do not get much pleasure from ‘foreplay’. They only use ‘foreplay’ to arouse their partner so that she is ready for what they really want, and that is to put their penis in the woman’s vagina. Many men see foreplay as a necessary nuisance, not as an integral part of love-making.

The word ‘foreplay’ is a bad one. It usually means what you do, by touch, to arouse your partner before you have sexual intercourse. In other words, you cannot have foreplay unless it leads to sexual intercourse and ejaculation. It makes sex the routine women complain of . . . foreplay (kisses, breast stimulation, genital touching) then sexual intercourse. This debases the reason for foreplay, which is to pleasure each partner so that each becomes sexually aroused and enjoys the arousal as much as the intercourse. A better term to describe this part of sexuality is ‘mutual pleasuring’. ‘Mutual’ because it is done to each other, ‘pleasuring’ because the whole purpose of the touching is to increase the emotional and physical pleasure of the encounter. Besides, pleasuring is an old English word for enjoyable sex. Pepys used it in 1666.

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A woman’s orgasm is not necessary for her to become pregnant, so that it is not necessary for procreation. But a man’s orgasm is vital for procreation. If a woman happened to have an orgasm it was obvious (to men) that it should occur during sexual intercourse, and preferably simultaneously with the man’s, because this demonstrated his domination and his skill as a lover.

The effect of these cultural values has been to develop stereotypes, which are merely shorthand ways of describing a current ‘ideal’.

In Western society, the stereotype of a woman is that she should always be attractive, always available for sex, and always ready to give the man pleasure. In return, he gives her love. She trades sex for love while he trades love for sex. She trades sex for the social and economic security which the man gives her. He gives her money, he looks after her welfare, and he provides shelter and clothing for her. In return, she gives him companionship and sexual relief and provides him with children. And because of the marriage vows she believes that she is legally obliged to give her husband sex whenever he wants it.

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Orgasm can be defined as an intense pleasure felt first deep in the pelvis, which spreads in a powerful sensation of well-being, tingling, and warmth of the whole body, to the exclusion of all other sensations. From this definition it is obvious that orgasm is both a physical and emotional (psychological) pleasurable response to sensual stimuli.

In a man, orgasm has two separate stages. In the first, which is called the emission phase, contractions of the muscles of his inner pelvis massage seminal fluid from his prostatic area along his urethra. In the second, or ejaculation, stage, the man ejaculates semen from his penis. The muscle contractions are triggered by the sensations from the base of the glans of the penis and from its shaft, caused by the touch of the woman’s vagina as he thrusts in the warm, moist space, or by her hand or mouth, and are relayed to his lower spine where the ejaculation centre is situated. It appears that this is different from the erection centre, as the nerves which lead to ejaculation are sympathetic nerves.

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Human sexuality has been studied in the greatest detail, to date, in the years following 1959. This work, particularly that of Dr William Masters and Dr Virginia Johnson, led in 1966 to the publication of their book Human Sexual Response. This book, with its detailed analysis of the sexual response in male and female partners, has given us our knowledge of the human sexual response and acknowledgement must be given to the careful, contemplative scientific study made over the years at the Reproductive Biology Research Foundation at St. Louis, Missouri.

Until the investigation in St. Louis showed the truth, massive ignorance and accumulated myths surrounded male sexuality.

These ‘phallic fallacies’ have persisted through the years and still form the basis of ‘dirty’ jokes. Here are a few:

The bigger the man, the bigger his penis This is untrue, as was demonstrated as long ago as 1907 by the anatomist, George Piersol. The size of the man bears no relation to the size of his penis in the unstimulated state. A coalminer 180 cm (5 ft 11 in) tall, weighing 92 kg (200 lb) may have a smaller penis than a clerk 150 cm (4 ft 8 in) tall, weighing 55 kg (120 lb).

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Neither of the British surveys showed that sexual intercourse ‘indulged in by young, immature people leads to irresistible sexual impulses to which the person rapidly becomes addicted’, as some concerned older people believe.

Forty-one per cent of those who had sexual intercourse repeated the experience within a week, 50 per cent within 2 weeks, and 60 per cent within a month; but 20 per cent did not have sex again for at least 3 months. Fortunately, with repeated sexual intercourse the percentage enjoying the experience increased to over 90 per cent.

When pre-marital sex was related to the social class of the young people there was a slight difference. The children of middle-class parents and manual-worker parents had pre-marital sex equally frequently, but the children of non-manual workers had premarital sex less frequently than the other classes.

Schofield’s survey showed that in Britain, by 1973, sexual intercourse was fairly common before marriage, and was widely accepted by young people, but it started later than many older people claimed. Nor was there any evidence that more young people were sexual adventurers than in earlier surveys.

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